Published: alustforlife.com
Author: Dr. Malie Coyne
Dignity was the theme of this year’s World Mental Health Day on 10th October 2015. Dignity is defined as “the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect”. FOR ME DIGNITY MEANS acknowledgement and validation of feelings, no matter how difficult or intense they may be, and no matter what age the person is. Without validation, dignity simply cannot thrive.
Validation of feelings is an essential component of positive mental health for both children and adults, and for me personally there is nothing more validating than someone taking the time to reflect “I hear what you are saying, you seem upset because… Let’s see how we can help”.
So where does one learn about feelings and how to manage them so they don’t take completely overwhelm you and take hold over your body, thoughts and behaviours? Where does one learn about valuing one’s place in the world and perceiving oneself as really deserving of happiness?
Dignity and being worthy of esteem begins at birth and is significantly related to the shared, reciprocal experience between the parent and the child. Children can only experience themselves as being loveable and worthy when their caregivers experience them as having those characteristics. This is shown by the parent attuning to their child’s needs and responding to their feelings in a sensitive and validating way.
So what can parents do to help their children? Normalising a feeling is helpful in letting children know that their emotions are things that everyone experiences and there is no shame in having them (e.g. “I get angry when someone takes something of mine too!”)
Taking your child’s distress seriously and acknowledging their experience as valid for them is very healing and it is good practice for building their empathy with others too (e.g. “You are angry with me that I would not buy you the toy” instead of “Want! Want! That’s all you ever do!”).
Although we can’t control the messages and experiences our children face when they are at school or with friends, we as parents can cultivate a place where emotions are heard and validated at home, by using the “language of feelings” with reference to your children’s and your own feelings. For example if your child is upset, it can be really useful to ask them to “Name that feeling”.
Naming the feeling can literally stop them in their tracks and encourages an objective conversation about the feeling, which can help the child to move on from it. This serves to normalise it and to highlight that “emotions are like waves”, they come and they go, and whilst your child might feel this way now that they will not feel this way forever. Children of parents who frequently use the language of emotions are less likely to resort to behavioural expressions of negative emotions.
Validating feelings does not mean that you have to agree with how your child expresses these feelings, it is an acknowledgement that these feelings exist and that they are real for them. Children do not act for no reason, they act as a response to a thought or a feeling, and if we try to understand the meaning of the underlying feeling, the communication behind the action, then we will go much further in validating them as human beings worthy of esteem.
Thinking of your child behaving badly disposes you to think of punishment. Thinking of your child asstruggling to handle something difficult encourages you to help them though their big feelings.
Sadly, the consequences of invalidation include emotional and behavioural problems and a difficulty in developing empathy as the child is so preoccupied with their own unmet needs. One thing which has really struck me in my work with children is that struggles with anxiety, low mood and anger have a deep connection with a difficulty in understanding, processing and responding to feelings.
Positive mental health relates to developing adaptive strategies to cope with overwhelming feelings and finding a way to problem solve a way to manage them if they become too intense.
Parents have a big role to play in helping children to problem solve the situation rather than solving the problem for them. For instance, you can help your child to practice different responses to hypothetical situations which normally cause them to get angry or sad (e.g. “Suppose your sister runs off with your brand new bike, how would you feel? What would you do?”)
Parents also need to help children to understand that not everything will go right in their lives and that life is full of good times, but that there are plenty of disappointments too. If children do not learn to identify their feelings and problem solve early on, they may lack the resilience to be able to cope with difficult life events as teenagers and adults.
An important piece of advice for parents is that “Your children need you to look after you”. To be a calm, loving and empathic parent you need to take good care of yourself, which means recognising your own feelings and the time you need to restore mental and physical balance.
In light of the Healthy Ireland Survey findings which showed that 9% of the population aged 15 and above were considered to have “probable mental health problems”, validating children’s feelings from birth will contribute to a more emotionally healthy society where dignity can and should thrive.
This article was first published on www.alustforlife.com on 11th December 2015 – Click here to view; Malie Coyne – A Lust For Life