Elaine Show – Good Enough Parenting

Day 16 of #31daysofparentalselfcare ~ On the Elaine show talking about the 3 pillars of 'good enough parenting', including learning how to trust your gut instinct, the fallacy of perfection and the importance of reflecting on yourself as a parent, including how you were parented. A real example also features, where mammy Mal kinda flipped her lid (rupture) but then took the opportunity to make amends (repair), which is where the beauty of parenting shines through in the gorgeous hug after the blip

Why you shouldn’t try to be the ‘perfect parent’ – you are already good enough

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Malie Coyne

If your children had one wish for you this coming year, it would be your acceptance that being a ‘good enough’ parent to them is just that… enough. But what does ‘good enough’ parenting mean in reality and how is it better than striving to be the best?

In his book A Good Enough Parent (1987), Bruno Bettelheim stated that ‘Perfection is not within the grasp of ordinary human beings’. And yet somehow in the age we live in, where we seem to hold high expectations for everything we do, including our parenting, many parents feel that there must be a ‘right’ way to parent and (surprise, surprise), most of us are falling short.

In an effort to relieve parents of the pressure many feel to meet their children’s every need and quash a few parenting myths, here are my three pillars of ‘good enough’ parenting:

The tyranny of tradition: How to survive Christmas

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Emily Hourican
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“When it comes to preparing ourselves for the expectation versus the reality of Christmas, I really like the formula: ‘Happiness = Expectations minus Reality.’ Because we live in a world that drives our expectations up, we’ve ended up with a situation where our expectations are beyond reality’s capacity to meet them, so the gap between expectation and reality can be massive. The fact is that families spend more time together at Christmas, which can inevitably lead to tension and confrontation.

“This is natural and this is OK. We all experience conflict, nobody is immune. Expecting perfect families sets us up badly. Rather than see it as an ‘if’, try to see it as a ‘when’, so ‘when there is conflict, I will take a breather, I will try not to do harm, I will take responsibility for my part and I will try to repair.’ Confrontations are painful, but they happen to all of us and are what make us human. It is important for parents to make their best efforts to repair in a way that strengthens their relationships with their children, which is a precious opportunity to model how healthy relationships work.”

#31daysofparentalselfcare

Back by popular demand and following the success of last year’s’ #31daysofparentalselfcare challenge, it’s almost time to fill our emotional cups for early 2020.

Beginning on 1st January until 31st January 2020, every day I’ll be sharing something I did to look after myself or a parenting challenge I managed in a ‘good enough’ way. I would so much love you to join me.

To be a calm, loving and empathic parent you need to take good care of yourself. Parental self-care is about recognising our feelings and taking the time we need to restore physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social balance.

Because children learn their sense of worth from watching you, how AMAZING would it be if they saw you do something for yourself every day no matter how small?

Last year there was a great response with lots of ideas from parents ranging from exercising, spending time with people who fill you up, creativity, relaxation, dropping housework, digital detoxes, even a shower without a child audience!🤣

So from Wednesday 1st January 2020, I would love you to share your self-care snippets from your day using the hashtag #31daysofparentalselfcare on my Dr. Malie Coyne Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/drmaliecoyne or on Twitter or Instagram.

WHO’S IN?!!!

P.S. I would really appreciate you helping me to spread the word by sharing this post so lots of parents can join in the challenge ☕️

I wish you and yours a peaceful and Happy Christmas.

Love, Malie xxx

Strong, on-song and woke but why do Anna and Elsa have to be so skinny?

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Yvonne Hogan
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“As a mum of two young girls who binged on Frozen, we are eagerly awaiting its sequel. Whilst there has been much discussion about the behavioural characteristics of both Anna and Elsa, who each display strong personalities in their own right, it is a shame that once again we have stick thin figures with unrealistic features, which are not representative of the norm.”

“Anything that children are exposed to at a young age can have an influence on their perception of the world, on their emotional and social development, and on what they perceive as a “desirable” way to look, especially young girls. However, it’s all about the balance between those influences and the influences from their parents. The most importance influencer during childhood is the child’s relationship with their parent. As long as the parent is explaining to their child that the characters they see on screen are not realistic images (nor are they attainable just as Elsa’s magic isn’t!) then this can lessen the impact on their young impressionable brains and allow us all to enjoy the film for what it is.”

My nomination for the Headline Mental Health Media Awards 2019

I am delighted to be nominated for the Headline Mental Health Media Awards, which take place in Dublin on the 4th December 2019.

The awards, which were established more than a decade ago and relaunched this year – recognise excellence in the coverage of mental health issues

I am up against ‘A Lust for Life’ and Michelle Hennessy!

Wish me luck!

Mental Health Content | Online
– ‘Where There’s a Will’, A Lust for Life Podcast
– ‘I lost two sons to suicide – I want people to know it’s okay to have problems’, Michelle Hennessy for TheJournal.ie Podcast
– ‘Are we stressing our children out?’, Dr Malie Coyne for RTE Brainstorm

See the full listing of nominees per category here;

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/the-irish-times-shortlisted-for-mental-health-media-awards-1.4072967?mode=amp

Update
A win at the @HeadlineIreland Mental Health Media Awards wasn’t to be for my @RTEBrainstorm piece but I’m so delighted for @a_lust_for_life who took it home for their amazing podcast. I met such lovely people and got to dress up and have a day out in the big smoke with my hubbie!

When dark vulnerabilities collide: What drives teens to kill?

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Malie Coyne

“As the Judge delivered his sentence on the two teenagers convicted of murdering Ana Kriegel, we were left with a deeply uncomfortable question: What drives young teenagers to commit violent crimes like homicide on innocent victims? While teen murder is a rare phenomenon, it can and does happen when dark vulnerabilities collide.

Most of us were deeply disturbed when hearing about the loss of such a vibrant young girl with her whole life ahead of her and how she tragically came to her untimely death.

Seeing photos of Ana smiling tugs at my heart, because as a parent I cannot imagine the earth-shattering sense of loss her family must have felt as this trial was played out in the public domain. Their grief lives on forever.”

Read article

The importance of helping your children deal with negative self-talk

Published: The Irish Times
Author: Geraldine Walsh
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“Because of the way the human mind works, we all speak to ourselves unkindly sometimes, which has huge power over how we feel about ourselves and others and how we make sense of our experiences.”

“A child who engages in a lot of negative self-talk is likely to grow up berating themselves unless they are supported by a caring adult who can help them see their inner beauty.

“Researchers have repeatedly found being self-critical can be harmful to both our emotional and physical health and is linked to everything from depression to anxiety to high blood pressure to dissatisfaction with life. Just like a physical attack sends our brains fight or flight response into overdrive, so does an emotional attack directed at ourselves. It’s like the modern day man’s predator is actually himself. To add insult to injury when we engage in self-criticism not only are we the attacked but we are also the attacker and that is exhausting.”

Read article

 

Oh brother: Why the royals are growing apart

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Tanya Sweeney
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“sibling envy in adulthood is a stagnant, secretive emotion that finds its insidious expression in anger and deep resentment. Sibling rivalry extending into adulthood is more likely to happen if it goes unchecked in childhood.”

“Seek help for sibling conflict if it is so severe that it is leading to marital problems or problematic family relationships, or if it creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member,”

“Seek help, too, if it’s damaging to the self-esteem or psychological wellbeing of any family member.”

The ultimate goal of parenting: How to raise a happy child

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Deirdre Rooney
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“Happiness is a state and not something which can be maintained indefinitely. No matter what age we are, life presents us with a colourful rainbow of emotions. The more accepting parents and children are of this range and the less we try to pursue the ‘ideal’ of happiness, the more we can appreciate each moment,”

“All parenting begins with you. To be a calm, loving and empathic parent, you need to take good care of yourself. Parental self-care is about achieving balance and filling your cup so you have something to give to the many roles you play in your life, be it mother, father, partner, friend, carer or worker. If you take a pro-active approach to nurturing your self-care, you are far more likely to have the physical and emotional reserves to take on the unpredictability of what each parenting day brings.”

Do you suffer from ‘female fury’? Here’s how to make it work for you

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Julia Molony
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“being assertive is vital to your emotional well-being,” Coyne stresses. People who lack assertiveness can find themselves holding in anger which ends up coming out in burst of anger that are inappropriate towards other situations,” she says. “Anger comes from an unmet need. So if you are not able to express your need, it will impact you in a really significant way. Apart from anxiety and depression and stress and all the physical stuff, I think your sense of self is hugely impacted. Because you are walking around the world not getting your needs met.”

There is a cultural aspect to this too, and assertiveness, Coyne believes, is a skill that a lot of Irish people need to learn. “I think assertiveness is something that people really struggle with. I’m half-Dutch and in Holland I find that there’s less of this people-pleasing, ‘I’m grand, I’m grand’… there, if you’re pissed off, you’re pissed off and that’s OK. In Ireland, you just say you are fine.”

How to talk to your child about losing weight – TodayFM

Listen to my interview with Matt Cooper on The Last Word -TodayFM.

Talking to children about weight can be a difficult thing to do.

With one in four children in Ireland either overweight or obese, what's the best way for parents to approach the subject if they have concerns?

While it's normal for children to gain some weight around puberty, and genetics can also play a part, dietitian Sarah Keogh from EatWell.ie says eating habits and physical activity should be looked at.

Weight Watchers App for Kids – Newstalk

WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) recently launched their new brand Kurbo, a weight-loss app designed for children between the ages of 8 and 17. But the app quickly came under fire from parents and experts who say a weight-loss app aimed at kids sends the wrong message.

Listen to my discussion on Newstalk Breakfast.

Is there a right way to talk to children about their weight?

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Suzanne Harrington
Expert Opinion: Dr. Malie Coyne

“The most important thing is to talk about health, not weight,”

“If children are young enough, it may not be necessary to say anything at all, but instead to make lifestyle changes. Model good eating and sleeping habits, more exercise and reduced screen time. A lot of weight issues are not just about food, but about not enough sleep and too much screen time.”

Child anxiety – Elaine Show

Regardless of age, children can experience anxiety about school. As a parent, your own experience of school can impact on how you respond to your child, whether that be a tendency towards over-protection or glossing over feelings.

But how does a parent find a middle ground between empathizing with a child's worries AND encouraging them to face their fears?

I was delighted to share a taster of my compassionate approach to child anxiety on the Elaine show including plenty of practical advice from my upcoming book due out next April 2020.

Posted by Dr. Malie Coyne on Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Glossing over anxiety will not make it go away

Published: Irish Independent
Author: Malie Coyne

Worrying and parenting go hand in hand like rhythm and blues. This is especially true during times of transition, such as children’s return to school after the summer, which can reignite a melting pot of anxieties for children and parents alike.

During this time, parents may question their child’s ability to manage issues which may have come up before, with concerns ranging from: “Is my child strong enough? Clever enough? Popular enough? Resilient enough?” Throw a good dab of guilt and self-blame into the mix and you’ll also find parents asking themselves: “Am I a good enough support to them? What if I can’t help them?”

Read article

Muscle Dysmorphia – Interview on Newstalk – Pat Kenny Show

Pat Kenny Show (Jonathan Healy)

Muscle Dysmorphia a disease of perception where sufferers live in an imagined reality. It is a silent epidemic, where the person becomes obsessively focused on becoming more muscular to the detriment of their mental health and social relationships. More common in males and body builders, media 'ideals' also play a role. We need to mind our young men!.